& to know you is hard
we wonder.
Have you ever heard of the disciple Nathaniel?
Yeah, he was my father.
I don't think he thought about even having a wife, let alone son, when he first started following that Jesus, the one they say rose again.
Regardless, I don't suppose I need to tell you all that having a father who once gave up everything to follow a political agitator and rebel is a very unique experience.
Not that we don't live in a unique time, mind you. We do. Rome has sacked the temple. Many Judeans were killed in the revolt. Rome is filled with strife. It's just hard to imagine things can go on like this for much longer.
Still, crazy-world that we live in nowadays and all, having a father who was a "disciple," now that is crazy. My dad, he still follows too, of course...
It is different now, you know. I mean, Jesus is dead.
Since then they've had to rethink what it means to follow Jesus. If you were to ask me, I'd say when the person you're following is crucified; you stop following then and there. That's just me.
But many of Jesus' disciples did stop, I guess. At least, for a time...
That is, until they saw Jesus again.
I've tried to ask my dad if he fled...
He always says it is complicated. He says it wasn't like he just quit following; but he will admit he wasn't there when Jesus was crucified. I guess only a few of Jesus' followers, mostly women, stayed with Jesus to the cross.
Anyway, my dad says even Rabbi Peter, who legend has it denied Jesus, didn't quit following. My dad just says following is complicated. Sure there were moments when he wished he followed Jesus differently, but he always thought of Jesus as the "cristos."
I know I said they call him the risen one, but they also call him other things. Things like "cristos," or "Lord." Now, with an emperor like Nero, I don't go saying stuff like that much. Too risky
My dad does, of course.
I am sure it sounds like I am rambling. I'm not. It is all connected. For the last part to make sense you have to know all this about my dad.
You're probably thinking, if that Jesus was crucified how could they keep following, why would they.
I know that's what I would think. Heck, I've thought it plenty of times.
Well to ask my dad, he will tell you all that stuff I just said. It isn't so one-directional, following is a complicated thing. Yeah, he will say, you always follow. Just sometimes you follow in a way you wish you hadn't, or do something you wish you hadn't.
Honestly, I think that is a confusing way to put it. Since he's my dad, I've seen how he lives. I've heard how he reasons, if you could call it that, "reasoning." It certainly doesn't seem reasonable. Not to me anyway.
But to get a better idea of what my dad means about following I need to tell you what he does... He has this thing he does, every time you're trying to make a decision he starts asking a lot of questions.
Every time!
And I don't mean a few questions, a lot.
Boy, that gets old.
He keeps pushing, though.
OR, there are times when he is making a decision and he starts to thinking out loud. He says everything. What he is thinking, how he is feeling. On & on.
That probably has something to do with how I talk.
Anyway, when he starts doing it the first time you're just caught off-guard. Yeah, you try to answer his questions, although sometimes you don't want to.
OR, he starts saying all this stuff and you just try to keep up with everything. Still, though, when he starts talking about how he is afraid, what that feels like. Well, you want to stop listening, especially if the one talking about their fear is your father, it doesn't seem appropriate.
So yeah, the first time it happens it is a shock. After he's done that a few times, though, you come to expect it. After he's done it a few more times it starts to get old. After a few more times still, you kind of lose your patience, you know.
So maybe if you've lost your patience you cut him off, and ask why he always does that.
Well, like I said, my dad doesn't really explain himself in ways that make a lot of sense. So, the first time he tries to explain himself, he says something about trying to be clear, how it is easy to deceive yourself.
Now, if you're like me, none of that stuff he says makes much sense. So, if it doesn't make sense you can bet that the next time your Dad starts asking all those questions, saying all that stuff - well, you could get frustrated and leave.
That's what happen once.
My Dad was trying to decide how he felt about all these Gentiles becoming followers without having a circumcision. So he starts talking about why he thinks they should, the reasons that preacher Paul has said they shouldn't have to be, how he feels about the change in tradition.
He started doing all of that.
Well, I had just had it. So I left the room. I left, and I let him know I wasn't happy.
A little while he found me. He said he was sorry, and asked if I wanted to hear a story.
To be honest with you, I didn't want to hear a story. I wanted my dad to stop acting that way. I listened, though.
He told me a story about a day when that Jesus was alive. Now I had heard my Dad's stories about Jesus before. Most of the stories were about the day Jesus died, or the stories after he rose.
This story, though, was about a day before all of that. It is my Dad's story, so I am sure I will get a few things wrong. I am sure sure I will leave out some things and add others, but this is how I remember it:
They were following Jesus, and Jesus told them that he was going to suffer and die. I guess Jesus had told them this was going to happen before. But, Jesus had also healed people, and Peter had even called Jesus messiah.
So when Jesus told them he was going to suffer and die, my dad didn't understand. I guess my dad wanted to say that he didn't understand, but none of the other disciples were acting confused.
You know how it is, well I do anyway, my dad didn't want to look foolish so he didn't say anything.
Next thing he knew, the talk got to be about who was the best disciple. He says it is hard to remember exactly how the conversation got to that point, but they got to talking about who was Jesus' right-hand man. At that point it doesn't take long for a full-blown competition to start.
By the time they got to their home, there was a heated discussion about who among them was the greatest.
Once they were in the house Jesus sat down, so everyone knew he was going to teach. My dad says he was excited at first, he was hoping Jesus would explain what he meant about dying and rising.
Well, Jesus asked them what they were talking about instead.
Yeah.
You can imagine how they felt, and my dad says he felt like a complete heel. Well, no one really said anything, I guess Peter hemmed and hawed for a while, but no one really said what they had been arguing about.
Finally Jesus got tired of waiting for an answer, and said that if they want to be great they should be a servant.
Now when I hear that the Jesus my dad looks up to so much talked that way, I can understand why the stuff my dad says doesn't make sense.
Being great by becoming a servant; that doesn't make any sense. That is like saying if any want to be olympiads they should become a cynic philosopher. That just isn't how the world works.
Sorry. Anyway, not only did Jesus say that, I guess he also took some young child and said that kids like that child are Jesus' ambassadors. Well, if I had been following, I would have decided that Jesus guy was nuts and not worth following. First chance I would have had, I would have been gone.
Not my dad, though. Of course not him. Given a room full of people, he'd finally the only crazy one there and decide that fellow was the sane one in the room.
Well, I guess that lesson of Jesus got my dad to thinking.
He says that he really thinks that if he had asked Jesus what he meant about suffering and dying when he first didn't understand, that argument with the disciples would not have happened at all.
As my dad sees it, he didn't want to say he didn't understand because he didn't want to admit he needed help. It was that refusal of his to admit he needed help that led him into that stupid argument with those other disciples, those others he loved so much.
But then when Jesus took to teaching them, I guess he flipped my dad's world on its head.
Hmm - Maybe that is when he started acting that way...
Anyway, I guess when Jesus took that kid, my dad saw himself in Jesus' arms. Okay, that is confusing. He didn't literally see himself, but he saw his state. What I mean is, what he saw in Jesus' arms was the part of himself that needed help, the part that didn't understand.
Up to that point in his life, my dad had always been trying to ignore that part of himself; that needed help. But then, in Jesus' arms, he saw that, that part of him held by Jesus.
What he saw was that Jesus help him, even as he didn't understand. What my dad came to see was that by pushing down that part of himself that didn't understand, he had to pretend he understood - even if he didn't.
Big deal, right? We've all done that.
Well, then when Jesus described a worthless kid as his ambassador, my dad got an idea. His idea is that God chooses to work through the weak things.
I know, it sounds crazy. So does following someone who was crucified thought, right?
For my dad, those two things are connected. You see, for my dad to have this idea that God was working through that crucified rebel; first he needed to have this idea that God could work through insignificant, weak and vulnerable things.
Actually, when I say my dad had the idea that God could work though Jesus, he always corrects me. That is trust, he says. He is probably right, but this last part is definitely an idea.
The idea my dad got was that you don't ask questions at your own peril. "What if I had just said, Jesus I don't understand," my dad said. He thinks that if he had asked he would have understood sooner that needy people like kids are God's ambassadors.
My dad said he thinks that if he had admitted he didn't understand, he wouldn't have turned when Jesus was captured.
That's what I meant earlier. To understand someone like my dad, you have to understand the whole circle.
Yeah, he did run when Jesus was captured. But as he sees it, he was still a disciple. The only thing, though, was he was a disciple still trying to deny that he needed help.
Once Jesus rose, my dad started to trust even more that it was okay to need help. As my dad came to see it, if God would raise Jesus, God could be trusted. For my dad, if God can be trusted to raise up a crucified rebel than my dad can be the person he is, one who needs help.
God is trustworthy to take care of even weak and needy people, or maybe especially them.
That's why my dad says all that stuff, asks all those questions when a decision is being made.
Sounds like a I just made a huge jump doesn't it?
Well I didn't.
My Dad asks all those questions to avoid another foolish argument, to remind himself that God is trustworthy. My Dad says how he is feeling, so as not to pretend he doesn't need help.
I admit, it is annoying when he does it, but it is sort of admirable. So often we go about pretending we have everything in order. We pretend we get life, even when we're afraid. We pretend we don't need help, even when the weight of the world feels like too much.
My dad, he just doesn't pretend. He knows he is in need, yet he trusts God is with him, even in his need.
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