have you fixed your eyes to the wind
will you let it pull you in again
She spent a few more days with Tammy. She didn’t do much. On Sunday she had gone to church. Other than that, though, she mostly petered around Tammy’s place.
And it didn’t take very long for that to get old. By Saturday she was restless, and by the end of church on Sunday, she was positively ready to go…
And it didn’t take very long for that to get old. By Saturday she was restless, and by the end of church on Sunday, she was positively ready to go…
The problem, though, was that she still wasn’t ready to go home.
Only that wasn’t exactly right; she was beginning to come to grips with the idea of going home. She had begun to imagine that life she would have there in Minnesota.
Beginning to come to grips with a thing and having a firm hold upon it, however, are very different. So there she was, caught in a sort of limbo…
On Sunday, though, she had determined to leave; and Monday, over breakfast, she told Tammy she would be leaving the next morning. Monday, while Tammy was at the church, she began preparing for her sojourn home.
First, she did the easiest part. She planned her route. It was going to take her two days to get home; around 11 hours on the road each day. She would spend the night in Glendive.
Then, gathering something like courage, she called the HR person at Ridgewater, and said she would be happy to accept the position they offered her. An appointment was made for her to come in the following week and get everything in order.
So that was it; she would teach introductory English courses at the community college.
Now there was one last thing to do, maybe the hardest.
Truth be told, it felt like she was sealing her very own fate. So, she took the path of least resistance.
“Hey Pops,” she texted, “I’m heading home; see you in a couple days.”
She texted her dad instead of her mom, so she wouldn’t have to deal with her mom texting; or heaven-forbid calling, back.
Then, to keep herself busy, and to miss any phone calls that might come, she began packing.
By one in the afternoon she had nothing to do, so she made a sandwich and took a walk.
Now that everything was set, she had to admit, she felt a little more at ease. Maybe she hadn’t sealed her own fate, so much as she had blessed a future…
That night Tammy and her had a going away meal. It really wasn’t anything grand, but Tammy had insisted on doing something special.
So, over Spaghetti and dry, red wine; they talked. They decided they should keep in touch better; that it would be a good idea for the two of them to go on a mini-road trip each and meet somewhere in the middle, to catch up like they had over the past couple days. She liked that idea.
She told Tammy that she was feeling more at ease with things; with the thought of going back home, of the life she would inhabit there.
Tammy looked at her seriously, then after what felt like too much silence, said, “you can do this, it will be good. Everything that you were running from, is what you are going toward now. Someday you will look back, and wonder why you ran in the first place.”
…Well, she didn’t know what that meant; so she just nodded, and the first chance she had, she changed the subject.
The next morning she awoke early, and by 6:30 she was on the road; by 10:30 she was on I-15; and by noon she was on I-94 going East, toward home. She took a late lunch, and nearly on clockwork, she was having doubts and second-thoughts.
Only those weren’t enough to deter her now.
The rest of the day passed by quickly.
By 8 pm, she was rolling into the hotel parking lot.
She went to a restaurant, and over dinner, tried to read. Her mind, though, wouldn’t sit still well enough to even hold a sentence. So she returned to her room, and decided to call-in early. The sooner she was on the road, she figured, the sooner she’d be home.
Only she couldn’t sleep. Maybe she was afraid she’d have another dream, like that one she had in the hotel parking lot almost a week ago…
So she returned her mom’s call.
Her dad must have told her mom about the text. Not right away, though, because her mom hadn’t tried calling until Monday night…
After only a couple of rings, her mom picked up.
“I’m surprised you’re coming back,” her mom had said.
Before she left, she did tell her mom why she was moving to Seattle; so why shouldn’t her mom be surprised to hear of her return.
“I thought it was hard leaving for Seattle,” she said; “but I think coming back is even harder.”
She told her mom how she was afraid of that life back home; the life of responsibility and inevitability, the life of surrendering to what it was.
“You can handle that life, honey,” her mom had said. “It’s a good life,” she said; “I should know.”
Her mom would know that, if that life was a good. Of course her mom should know; her mom had raised her and her sister in that town, taught in that town, grew up in that town.
Even now, as she was looking down the fate of doing a lot of the raising of her grandchild, her mom never shrank from it; in fact her mom embraced it.
So yes, of course her mom would know if the life she was returning to was good; but; but how could her mom know whether she could handle that life?
“How do you know,” she blurted back.
“It’s like everyone is standing on the other side of this great chasm, and they’re telling me I can make it across. How do they know, though? From the looks of it over here, what separates me from everyone else, will kill me,” she said.
There was silence for a while, but then, finally, her mom replied. “Well, of course that life will kill you, honey. That’s what this life does, it kills us. But this life is worth dying for, it is worth being killed over.”
…Now she didn’t know what to say, and while she was trying to find the words, her mom broke in.
“Raising you and your sister was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. There were days when I thought it’d kill me, for sure; and there were days when I knew, for sure, I’d give my life for either one of you. And you know what; that would have been fine. I’m thankful for that.”
They talked a little more, but after what her mom had said, everything she had to say seemed suddenly very small.
She did tell her mom, though, that she had accepted the job at Ridgewater. And finally she managed to ask about her sister…
“Well,” her mom said, “She’s healthy, and so is the baby; she’s due soon.”
Then, as they were saying goodbye, her mom said, “there is a great chasm between you and the life you’re coming back to; you’re right. And you’re right, the gap between where you are and where you’re going, will kill you, you can’t make it across, not from where you are… Here’s what you don’t know, though, death isn’t the end…”
That night she dreamt; but thankfully when she awoke, she couldn’t remember any of them.
Amen
Comments
Post a Comment