make safe the way that leads on high
and close the path to misery
She was beginning to think it wasn’t a blessing at all that her drive was passing this quickly…
She had hit the road by 6; and by 10 she was making too good of time.
She was only getting ready to be ready; but the open roads weren't putting anything between her and what awaited her.
So at a gas station, she actually pulled out her map a found a route that would take longer…
So now she was driving East, on Highway 13; driving through little towns and the plains of North Dakota.
She had thought Minnesota was flat, but here she could see forever in any direction. The snow covered everything, so she tried to make out the cloudy, gray horizon from the snow covered fields; like she had with the sound, that day in Seattle. And just like that day in Seattle, she couldn’t do it here either.
Not even this distraction, though, could keep her from getting anxious about her return.
She figured she would have to crash with the folks until she could find an apartment. Maybe she would even move in with her sister to help take care of the baby…
She looked at the clock on the dashboard; it was nearly 1. At this rate she would be in by 5; maybe even earlier.
But perhaps that wouldn’t be the worst thing, she thought…
As she drove through a small town, she stopped to get gas and something to eat.
As she ate a practically flavorless sandwich, she decided there was no use to keep stalling. She got in her car; and with the tank topped off, hoped she wouldn’t need to stop for gas until she was home.
In the afternoon, the sun broke through the clouds that had covered the sky her entire trip thus far. With the sun setting in her rearview mirror, everything was covered in a warm glowing blue and pink.
She turned the radio up; and for the first time, in a very long time, she felt giddy. She would be an aunt, a daughter, a teacher; she would be all this back home.
She was fidgety, so although she didn’t need to stop, before she got on Highway 9 South; she did. At one last gas station she topped off her tank, and got some coffee. The sun had set by now, and although it was cold, she did some stretches before getting back in the car.
For these last 90 minutes or so, she drove in the dark. She thought about that evening in the sanctuary, singing about Christ as the light in the darkness, with those 18 or 19 others. She realized that back in Idaho, Tammy would be leading that service soon…
As she got closer and closer to where Highway 9 would turn into 12, the final stretch home; she realized the darkness didn’t really bother her. She even turned down the radio, and after a while longer, she switched it off completely.
She drove those last 60 minutes in the darkness, with only the sound of the wind.
It surprised even her when she realized she didn’t mind that either.
Now the roads were becoming familiar, and she transferred unto 12. She was glad to be on the empty and dark road, now that the dark or silence couldn’t threaten her.
She had the thought that maybe it was because she was surrendering to something she had been fighting for so long that she felt at ease now, even here in the dark and silence; the tension was gone; and she drove…
Without anything to distract her, she admitted, to no one other than herself, that she had been being pulled toward home for some time; but she had been fighting it. Now that she had quit boxing the air, she couldn’t help but wonder if she had only been fighting herself that whole time.
All those things she had run from; they had been making promises to her all along, and those promises had been pulling at her. So now, she drove alone in the dark and silence toward the place where those promises dwelt; toward home…
Then her phone rang. It startled her; and then annoyed her. She wished she had put it on silent. But she looked down, and saw the number was her sister’s.
She pulled on to the shoulder, and fumbled with her phone. But by the time she picked up, it had quit ringing. As she was beginning to pull back unto the road, she heard her phone beep. Looking down, she saw her sister had left a voicemail.
She listened to it; but it wasn’t her sister on the other line; it was her mom. “The key is under the entrance mat; we’re taking your sister to the hospital; she’s going into labor.”
She pulled back on the road; and without having to think about it, decided she’d drive straight to the hospital.
By now the roads were familiar, and she didn’t have to watch for signs or look at the map at all.
In town, she took the road to the hospital. The hospital where she had gone when her grandfather died, the hospital where she had gone when she broke her arm in gym, the hospital where she had been so many other times.
Now though; now it felt like she had never been there before.
She pulled into the parking lot, and walked through the big entrance doors. In the lobby, and she realized she didn’t know where to go.
After wandering a little, she saw someone in scrubs, and asked her how to get to obstetrics. The woman walked her down a couple of halls, and by the time they were walking into a waiting room, she felt totally lost.
She asked the woman behind the window about her sister, and after looking at some files, the woman let her walk back to her sister’s room.
Apparently they had put her name on the visitation list. That surprised her. She hadn’t expected that, she thought it’d be an ordeal; but now, simply because her name was on some paper, she was being ushered right to where her pregnant sister was…
As she walked toward the room, she saw her mom and dad sitting on chairs around a hospital bed, and on the bed, was her sister.
She saw them all; but they didn’t see her.
She stopped.
She stopped, not because she didn’t know what to say, not because she wanted to turn around, not even because she felt embarrassed to return to those she had run from.
She stopped because, as she saw them all in that room, saw them without them seeing her; she saw her family as they truly were. She saw them, hopeful and worried; she saw them, excited and anxious. She saw them, she saw them without them seeing her.
And of course she couldn’t help but notice that her sister looked, not afraid; but maybe a little pensive…
The words, “she’ll be fine,” welled up from within her, apparently.
Now she started to walk toward her sister’s room, and her sister looked up and finally saw her; and something happened. It wasn’t that her heart broke or melted; or anything like that. It wasn’t like movies or TV shows at all.
It was as if there had been this drawer in her heart, but she had never known it was there. And now, someone else, her sister probably, had opened that drawer for the very first time.
Whatever it was that had been in that small drawer, it overwhelmed her.
However something so small, could hold something so big, was beyond her. She didn’t have time to question it, though; because whatever it was that had been loosed from that drawer, kept filling her.
She could feel her face getting hot and red. She could feel a tear burn its way up her eye.
What was this; what was she feeling; she wondered.
If it was love, she couldn’t understand why anyone would choose to feel it.
She crossed the threshold into the room, and walked past her parents without so much as a word. She went to her sister, and put her hands on her sister’s neck and face, she pushed her face into her sister’s face, and held her head against her sister’s head. “I’m sorry,” she breathed.
She began to cry, and instead of stopping she began to full-out sob.
At some point she could feel her mom’s hand on her back; and somehow she knew her father was behind her mom…
That night the dreams returned.
Only this time, what fell from the sky didn’t trouble her; because, behold, it was only snow.
In front of here were the familiar snow covered fields of her hometown, some bare trees, evergreens and off in the distance a frozen lake. In the sky, clouds and oddly enough, birds. Without having to look behind her she knows the house her mom grew up in, she and her sister grew up in, sit warm and well-lit with her family, but most importantly her newborn niece who bears her name as her’s; Mary.
Turning she goes with peace to that house, but not you; not you who have journeyed with her. You stay behind, because you know something, you know those birds are not birds at all, but rather angels coming to proclaim a promise.
Blessed are you. Blessed are you (proclaim names of folks in the pews). Blessed are you, your waiting has not been in vain. A few more days, a few more days. Journey back in a few more days time, and all that you’ve been waiting on will be fulfilled in a newborn child.
Amen
Comments
Post a Comment